This Beast Called Love
by Deserted Eternity
Summary: It wants to leap upon me and take my heart in its jaws, this creature called love. LxLight yaoi; suggestions of citrus in chapter 2. Angst and tragedy in the final chapter, and L's name is spoiled.
1. Distraction

**Here I go again. I write too much.**

**Another L/Light yaoi. This one, I think, will actually follow the plot more, since I won't let it get the point where I always diverge because L shouldn't die.**

**At this point your guess is as good as mine as to the plot and length and such, though it will be in L's POV because L is luff. I'll try not to switch points of view, but I can't promise anything.**

* * *

_No. No, no, no. No._

I sit in my favorite pose, with my knees tucked into my chest. One arms is clutching my legs against me, the other is held up so that my thumb rests against my lower lip. There is practically no moon tonight, so the room is almost pitch-black.

I think back to earlier today. Light suddenly started babbling almost hysterically, trying to make me let him go. Just a week and it looks like he's starting to go crazy. He'd been dealing with it stoically since I put him in on his request, but all of a sudden his whole demeanor changed.

Zooming in with the cameras, I even noticed a change in his eyes. They opened up more and the pupils contracted, exposing more of the silky milk-chocolate color. Compared to his previous general expression, he looks much more innocent now.

Before this, I realize, he had a calculating, suspicious set to his eyes. They were darker, more opaque, as if he had something to hide. Now, like his whole face, his eyes are more open and expressive. His smile, instead of a sly smirk, is a proper smile that seems to light up his face.

_No! Don't let your mind go there. I can't allow this to happen. Any sort of feelings only hamper the investigation, but feelings of that sort will shove everything down the drain._

Usually, one doesn't associate any sort of emotion with the infamous detective L. I have become very adept at putting my feelings aside to solve cases. Perhaps too adept.

That has been my problem since the beginning. Emotions to me are useless baggage, and get in the way. I can detach myself from these bothersome emotions, toss them aside like a dirty piece of clothing.

So detached from emotion I have become that I don't think that I'm capable of being much more than a friendly acquaintance. I keep others distant, and though I can interact well enough to not drive other people away, they sense my cold detachment and remain themselves at a distance.

Perhaps, because of this constant isolation, I have become slightly fearful of allowing emotion to play a role in my life. No, not perhaps. It has been apparent for a while that I hesitate to let my emotions go.

So when I sense the beginnings of an emotion that can catch even someone who doesn't obsessively stifle their feelings off guard, it frightens me. _I cannot let this happen._

It's not that any traumatic event in my life led to me building these emotion-blocking walls around myself. It was pure, personal choice. _A clinical psychologist would have a field day with me, I bet._

Be all of that as it may, this new, alien emotion is creeping up on me, stalking her unexpecting prey. Confronting it won't help; this emotion I'm not ready for, and can't defend against. This one will slip through all my walls, and hit like a ton of bricks my vulnerable core.

_As much as I don't want to, I have to admit it. I am falling in love. And with my main suspect, who is currently in confinement for God knows how long! If you're gonna screw up, better do it right, eh?_

* * *

Light looks downright miserable. He's hunched up on the floor of his cell, his back turned to the camera. The task force has just rushed in with news that the killings have started back up. I just stop them from telling Light, and try again to see whether his abrupt change is an act or if it's for real. Still the same.

The desperation glittering in his mild brown eyes, the unkempt state of his hair and clothes, and the overall impression I get when he rolls over and sits up, fixing his eyes on the camera lens, makes my heart twinge. In my mind's eye I imagine him fixing an identical gaze on me before flinging himself at me, wrapping his arms around my thin, lithe frame. I blink a few times, clearing those images from my head. _No, dammit!_ It's becoming increasingly hard to hold off this ravenous metaphorical creature. It wants to leap upon me and take my heart in its jaws, this creature called love. It claws at the restrains I place, and soon their tenuous grip will be broken and I will fall.

I look away from the video feed, trying to keep myself from immediately ordering Light's release. Already I am finding that pursuing the investigation properly is a pain in the arse, and will probably only get worse. Salt is rubbed in the wound by the fact that this new emotion has affected me so deeply, effortlessly. I feel like all my defenses are crumbling, and that adds insult to injury.

* * *

Eventually, I must concede to the others' pressures. I keep an eye on the small camera installed into the sedan's rear-view mirror as Soichiro drives Light and Misa into the middle of nowhere. The fear glittering in Light's brown eyes tugs at my heart, which has already been aching. _Damn, what is wrong with me?! Get it together, L. You musn't let this interfere. If you do, it will all come crashing down around you._

As the long chain connecting the handcuff around my right wrist to the one clamped over Light's left hand rattles noisily, I struggle to keep my expression mild. _This is going to be hell. The deepest circle of hell. Not just in a hand-basket, in a bloody gift-wrapped box! The object of my affection is attached to me, within six feet of me, and can't leave my side even to take a shit._ Light pulls a resigned, long-suffering look as he gazes at the chain. Misa looks equally unhappy, and I'm only half surprised that her main complaint isn't that she has to stay cooped up in this building all day.

One good thing about this is that Light seems to not share Misa's feelings, so at least I don't have any reason to feel jealous of the hyperactive little thing. Even so, I see nothing in Light's milk chocolate-colored eyes that indicate that he feels anything but exasperation toward me. _Reason number one why this is going to be hell._

* * *

A few days in and already I feel like I'm about to have fifteen fits and fall in them. The beast called love has been gnawing steadily at my resolve and sanity since the handcuff first closed over my wrist, and I don't know how long I will be able to stand it.

It keeps me up at night, this vicious monster. My gaze is glued to his peaceful form in the bed beside me and I can't pull it away. I can't think of anything else but this impossible young man obliviously asleep, curled up contentedly under the covers.

I feel so vulnerable. This love in one fell swoop has broken through all the barriers I have built up like a hot knife goes through butter. Nothing before this has gotten through, and I have grown so used to the emotional void that this intruder frightens me. Its intensity has come close to overwhelming me, blinding my eyes and senses as I let them rest upon the one responsible for this pain.

The kicker is that as far as I can tell he feels absolutely nothing for me. He is oblivious to the pain that I go through, and even if he doesn't intend it he is slowly causing my heart to break in two as this beast called love worries at it.

He doesn't know how I long to touch him, to hold him, to have his full and undivided attention for just a moment. He doesn't know how I would give my soul to know whether he feels _any_thing like this horrid, beautiful love that I feel for him.

Why does he have to torture me so? Even if he doesn't intend to, this young man has stolen everything. My heart, my dignity, everything that I once thought was safely locked away. And he doesn't seem to notice a thing.

* * *

_I can't concentrate on my work for more than two minutes. Whatever sleep I managed to get before is impossible now. They thought I was an insomniac before._ Just one week into it and I'm near the breaking point. I have to do _something_, before I snap.

"-zaki. Ryuzaki! Hey, wake up!" Light's voice breaks into my private thoughts, pulling me from my reverie. His face is set into a slight frown, his soft brown eyes fixed on me. I keep my eyes on the computer screen, for I fear of what I will do if we lock eyes. "Yes, Light-kun?"

"It's almost two in the morning. I need sleep!"

I sigh heavily. When Light sleeps and I'm left with only my thoughts for company is my least favorite time of day(or night). "Sleep is for the weak-willed, Light-kun."

"That's as may be, but whether you like it or not I'm going to bed." He stood stiffly, stretching a bit before turning and stalking briskly toward the bedroom. I am nearly pulled from my swivel-chair, but manage to slip out and keep my feet and pad softly after him. An idea popped into my head, and before I could properly analyze the consequences my body acted on the idea.

I stepped forward to close the distance between myself and Light, grabbing his shoulder and spinning him around. I can see the confusion written across his face as one arm curls around the back of his neck, pulling it down so that his lips meet mine as I press up against Light and crane my head back.

He stiffens immediately, and I can almost feel the heat coming from his flushed face until he pushes me away. "I… I am sorry, Light-kun. Please forgive me for that. I don't know what came over me…" I say quickly, dropping my eyes so that I don't have to see his face. I can feel his eyes on me, and just stop from lifting my head to see his expression.

He remains silent, standing there for a moment longer before he turns and quickly walks away. I follow as slowly as I can afford to considering his fast, stiff-legged pace, my whole being radiating defeat.

_At least now I have my answer._ This doesn't make me feel any better. Finally, my heart has broken. It isn't Light's fault, but I can't help but blame him for my pain. The rational side of me has finally stopped saying _I told you so_ and is trying to convince the rest of me that I really shouldn't blame Light. By now, I have given up trying to hold up my barriers. It just isn't worth it. This love has conquered me, and there is nothing left but rubble, so why bother keeping the walls up? There is nothing there to shield but the shattered pieces.

Now, when I turn my head to look at Light's sleeping form, it is laced with anger and betrayal. It's hardly rational, but at this point I've given up trying to think rationally. For tonight, I shall do what I should have done long ago and just surrender to my emotions.

The anger, hurt and confusion all flood into me, and the fear follows suit, clamping its cold hand around me. I am strangled and suffocated by these emotions; all due to one person. One tiny part of me doesn't want to blame him, but it too is soon stifled.

How I managed to get to sleep that night is beyond me.

* * *

The next day, my body functions on auto-pilot. I'm very surprised that the task-force members don't seem to notice anything out of the ordinary with my behavior. Light stoically acts as if nothing happened, though I do notice that his manner with me is especially brusque.

All those barriers I had built up against emotion, and they are now useless. I am hollow, empty inside. There is nothing left now, except this deep depression that slithers through the gaping holes in my barriers and constricts slowly the shattered remains of my heart.

This was the sort of thing I had been protecting myself all this time, but my supposedly impenetrable defenses proved no match for this beast called love. I suddenly find myself open to the world, vulnerable as a child and shivering, wide-eyed as I wonder what the hell just hit me.

I wonder how people can stand it. These emotions are so strong, and yet they can be so easily manipulated. Even if the manipulator is unaware of their effect, and does not mean to hurt. Those are the worst, because whatever blame they receive is completely undeserved.

The day drags on so slowly, so painstakingly slowly, that by the time those who chose not to live in the building get ready to leave for the night I feel like clawing my eyeballs out. Everyone drifts off to their respective places, and Light and I work on for another few hours.

* * *

"Ryuzaki." At his voice, I barely stifle a wince. Now that we're alone, Light can freely tell me precisely what he thinks of the stunt I pulled last night. I know that no matter how I try I will not be ready for his dressing-down, but habit makes me pull up the pitiful remains of my walls. "Let me guess, you want to go to sleep?" I say, struggling to keep my voice and expression neutral.

"Yeah." He gets up, and tonight I don't feel like arguing so I too stand. My gaze is pinned to the floor so when I see Light move from the edge of my vision I just think he is stepping around the chair to walk off. It catches me by surprise when I feel Light's arm wrap around my shoulders, and two fingers slip under my chin to lift it. My eyes, wide in surprise and disbelief, meet Light's chocolate brown ones. "But before I sleep," He leaned forward, gently closing his mouth over mine.

Without waiting for my consent, my body acts of its own accord once more. I fling my arms around Light's shoulders, clinging to him with all my might as I kiss back with about as much desperation. A tear beads in the corner of my fervently closed eyes, and I pay it no heed. Whether he's doing this to taunt me or if it's for real, I don't give a damn.

All too soon Light pulls back, fixing an opaque gaze on me. I bury my face in his shoulder, unable to meet his eyes. My hands ball into fists, clutching wads of his shirt in a tight grasp as I fight to keep those tears in the corners of my eyes from rolling down my flushed cheeks.

"If you don't cut it out you'll have me crying too. Stop looking so much like a kicked puppy, Ryuzaki." He says softly into my ear.

"I can't help it," I mutter, finally finding my voice.

He lifts my head again, one thumb gently wiping the corners of my eyes. I see the slightly resigned look in his eyes as they fix on me, boring into my dark eyes and holding me.

"Why did you have to go and kiss me last night? I was getting along pretty well denying the fact that I'm hopelessly in love with you, convinced that you didn't give a shit about me."

I manage to smile slightly. "Well that's too bad. You've been giving me no end of grief since the beginning, so you're getting your just desserts."

Light tucks his head, resting his forehead on mine. He sighs softly, his breath washing over my face. "What am I gonna do with you, huh?"

"You can start by telling me straight out whether or not this is for real or some sort of malicious prank." I say.

The look of hurt in his eyes answers the question even before Light speaks. "Ryuzaki, I can't believe you have to ask me that. Why would I pull such a prank on you? Didn't I just say that I'm hopelessly in love with you?"

I reach up, brushing a lock of hair from his face. "Yes, I'm sorry, Light. It's just that I've been in absolute agony for a week, and today I felt like I'd have liked to curl up and die. I want to be sure that I won't wake up tomorrow morning and realize that this exchange was just a dream."

A slight smile curves Light's lips. "Well trust me Ryuzaki, it isn't. I hope not, at least." His hand gently strokes my shaggy black hair. "If it makes you feel any better, I've been in pretty much the same boat as you."

I smile back. "You have no idea how much better I feel." That was the understatement of the century. All the little demons that had been nibbling at me the past week had been banished, and the growls and snarls uttered by the beast called love had turned to purrs. My heart felt infinitely lighter, and the bits had been pieced back together. Such hope and relief flooded my heart and mind that it was euphoric.

* * *

**Wow, fluff and angst all rolled into one! –falls over–**

**We'll see how long I can keep this going.**


	2. Euphoria

**Change in plans! The time-setting may skip around **_**a lot**_**, since I feel like being evil and keeping with the angsty feel. This'll end up splitting from the manga plot **_**again**_**.**

**This chapter won't be as angsty, though. Fluff now, angst later, when we start skipping around more.**

**If you've read some of my other 'fics and you notice a few recurring themes in this one, it's because my Muse is a lazy-arse. XP **

* * *

The next morning, I woke curled up against Light's lean frame, my arms wrapped around his upper body. One of his arms had been slipped beneath my body and was curled around my waist, the other hand resting on his stomach which rose and fell in time with his slow breathing.

I lifted myself into a sitting position with a heavy groan, leaning over to softly kiss the corner of Light's mouth. "Wakey wakey, Light. The sun's up."

He stirred, a deep intake of breath signaling that he was awake just before his eyes opened. "Mmf. Do I have to get up?"

"Yes, you do."

He groaned again, turning over. "Five more minutes!"

I smirk slightly, and reach out to tickle Light's ribs. "No, right now!"

He yips and sits bolt upright, folding his arms across his abdomen and fixing me with an irritable glare over his shoulder. I smile brightly, leaning forward to rest my chin on his shoulder. His face softens and he tilts his head to land a light peck on my cheek. "Fine. At least let me get up."

I lean back to let him stand, reaching out to tickle him again. He jumps off the bed and hoods his brow in amusement at me. "All right, smartass." I smile innocently and slip off the bed, padding over to the bathroom. I squeak in surprise as he lightly pokes me in the side. "Aha, so you do squeak!"

I close the bathroom door once we get there, gesturing at the shower. "All right, even though you've provoked me, I'll be nice and let you go first."

He wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me close, planting his mouth over mine. "How's about we save water today, hmm?" He said as he pulls back, quirking an eyebrow.

I smile slyly. "Good idea!"

Even with both of us showering together, we probably didn't save all that much water. That was the longest shower I've ever taken; only about half the time was taken up by either of us actually bathing. Even so, it was enjoyable. I gained a new appreciation for how _very_ hot Light is. From the way he was eyeing me, I think it's safe to say that Light reached a similar conclusion.

* * *

That day was infinitely easier to live through, though it was another long one. This time, it wasn't long because I was dreading being alone with Light. No, this time I was impatient for the others to leave so I could have Light to myself again.

Now, I greedily drink in even the slightest bit of attention Light pays me. As if my heart is desperate to get in all it can in case something happens to break our newly-forged bond, it never seems to get enough of him. Not that I blame it.

That heartbreaking depression has left, I hope for good, but that doesn't mean that I get any more work done today than I have the past week or so. Now that I know Light feels the same way and we've established that bond, I'm if possible even _more_ distracted from my work.

How does he do it? How does this young man manage to make everything he does, even if it's absolutely nothing, so alluring? It drives me up the wall how easy it is for him to do this to me. And still he seems oblivious to his effect. Damn him.

_Finally_, the other task-force members call it a day and leave. Once the last one is out the door, I sigh heavily and roll my chair back from the desk. Light chuckles, turning his chair to face me as he fixes an amused gaze on me. "So Ryuzaki, how much did you actually get done today?" _So he did notice._

"Not much, and it's your fault!" I say, pointing at him accusingly.

He pulls an innocent face. "What, me? I did nothing!"

"Exactly!" I roll my chair forward, crawling into Light's lap.

He chuckles, hooking his arms around my shoulders and craning his head forward as I lean over to meet him. I cup one hand behind his neck, pressing our lips together more. As we part slightly for breath, chills run down my spine as I feel Light's tongue caress my lower lip. My lips part of their own accord, and even if I hadn't let him Light would have won the ensuing battle of wills anyway.

By now my face is flushed, and through my half-lidded eyes I can tell that Light's face is flushing with blood as well. My breath is coming more raggedly as my heart thumps as if I'm running a marathon. We pull back for a breath again, and Light's pants make my lips curl into a smirk, his hot breath washing over my face almost matching the heat that is already there, and spreading south.

Feeling a bit mean, I suddenly stand, taking a step back and looking at Light with my eyes hooded slyly, hands akimbo. He frowns slightly at me, and I almost laugh at how red his face is. "Why'd you stop?" He demands indignantly.

I turn and head toward the bedroom, pausing to give Light a coy come-hither look over my shoulder. Shortly I feel his hands resting on my hips, and smirk. How we got to the bedroom with Light literally plastered to me, I'm not sure.

The chain would make this irritating, so I remove it. Just for now.

Promptly after the handcuff falls from his wrist, Light's fingers curl around the hem of my shirt and pull it off. I shiver luxuriously as Light's lips travel from my shoulder up my neck and jaw.

I turn around, clamping my mouth demandingly over his as I undo the buttons of his shirt. As the last comes open he shrugs out of the shirt, taking a few steps forward. I back up to the bed, and don't protest as he gently pushes me onto it. Fire is already rushing through my veins, but it just gets worse when Light clambers up onto the bed, knees on either side of my hips, one hand propping him up while the other traces little designs on the skin of my bare chest.

I bury my hands in his (now tousled) auburn hair, crushing out lips together. I can feel the corners of his lips twitch in a smirk as he pulls back slightly, his tongue slipping out to caress my lower lip again. I eagerly let him in, and this time I barely even put up a fight. I can almost hear him think,_ spoilsport_.

I disentangle one hand from his hair and lower it, picking at the button of Light's slacks. His free hand slips down to undo the button of my jeans, and a low moan escapes my lips. Those pants have been getting mighty tight.

* * *

I wake very sore, but satisfied. I glance over at Light and notice a few places on his chest that might turn into bruises. Looking down at myself, it looks like I'll carry a few reminders as well. _Who cares?_

Light groans slightly, letting me know he's awake. "Damn, Ryuzaki, I didn't think you had it in you." He mutters.

I look at the edge of the bed and chuckle. "I should say the same for you, Light. Er… we should probably get someone to wash the sheets."

He snorts slightly. "Hey. That was you, not me."

I narrow one eye in mock irritation. He sits up, yawning owlishly and stretching. He winces. "Oh yeah, and next time, don't try to claw me to bits."

A knock on the door makes us both jump. "Hey, are you two okay?" It's Matsuda's voice. "It's almost ten. Usually you don't sleep this late. You aren't sick, are you?"

_Oops._ "We're fine, Matsuda-san. We just overslept." Light pulls a face that made me struggle not to laugh.

"Well, all right."

Once we're sure that the young policeman is far enough from the door, Light snorts. "'We just overslept?' That's quite the understatement, Ryuzaki."

I reach down for my clothes. "Well, what was I supposed to tell him? That we overslept because we're worn out from you pounding me into the mattress?"

Light grins wolfishly. "Well, hey, can't deny the truth."

* * *

As we go into the area of the suite set aside for the investigation and all of its technology, Matsuda looks a bit worried. I always look like I just woke up, but Light looks the same this time, since he decided not to bother this morning. I think he's still tired and achy.

No one asks why we overslept, which is a good thing. It would be rather awkward trying to explain. I can tell that Matsuda is curious, but doesn't want to ask. The others just don't seem to care.

Now, at least, I can work. Apparently last night's little excursion did something that made me able to leave my preoccupation alone and concentrate on my work. I still take every opportunity to shoot a glance at Light, and occasionally I catch him doing the same, but today I'm not nearly as fidgety.

I think it's because it's finally been proven that Light is all mine. Yesterday I knew that he liked me back, but I wasn't sure. Now, though, it's certain. I stifle a smug smile as I work.

Today, I can let both of us work. I'm more relaxed, as if the final weight has been lifted. I am more comfortable now, now that I know Light really does love me back. Yesterday I knew he felt something, but now I know that he suffers as much as I from the attentions of this beast called love.

Considering the fact that we're both going to be sporting rather livid bruises for a few days, and the fact that we overslept by several hours, I think we might not do that too often. Besides, there's more to love than lust. Even though last night was one of the most amazing nights of my life, I'm not sure I can handle that sort of thing very frequently.

The depression and anxiety no longer plague me, but the intensity of the emotions I felt last night was equally frightening. I no longer live in the past, trapped and lonely in the museum of my former pain; nor in the future, struggling feebly and vainly to try and control things that are so far beyond me they might as well be stars. Even so, as I stand where I should in the present, my knees are weak. The emotional stress of the past few days hit me hard, and in many ways I'm still reeling.

That may be the reason last night happened. I was so desperate to really _know_ that Light loved me back, so desperate to be free from the depression of rejection and the anxiety of the unknown.

I don't know if Light would like to keep lovemaking like that, but something tells me that if we go too fast it will end up hurting the relationship. And that is the _last_ thing I want. I've had my taste of the lust, and it was almost too much. I fear the consequences if we rush.

* * *

It seems like the day passes unusually fast, but then I may be more used to the agonizingly slow days I spent in my little world of pain. As the other task-force members trickle away, Matsuda is the last to leave. He hangs back, asking to make sure we really are okay. I reassure him that it was nothing to worry over, and he finally leaves.

"Hey, Ryuzaki. I've been thinking." Light says as I turn back to him. He looks a bit pensive.

"Yes?" I incline my head slightly, watching his face closely. He doesn't seem unduly uncomfortable, just thoughtful.

"Last night was wonderful and all, but maybe we shouldn't… do that every night." He looks a bit embarrassed.

I smile, reaching out to play with a lock of his hair. "I was thinking the same thing, actually. If we go too fast, we'll probably do more harm than good."

I try not to laugh at the look of relief that passes briefly over his face. "Oh, good. Not that I didn't love it last night, but…" He hesitates, blushing slightly.

_That's so adorable! Why does he have to be so damn cute?_ Turns out Light, being only eighteen, is still a bit shy. "I understand. And I feel the same way." I smile encouragingly, wondering how that impossible young man manages to make everything he does so alluring.

He smiles back at me, leaning forward to land a light peck on my lips. "Good! I was afraid you'd want to do that every night. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that…"

I chuckle slightly. "I don't think either of us, or our relationship, is ready for it."

He nods. "Yeah, that's what came to me too. We can still cuddle, but just not go as far."

I smile coyly, climbing into his lap. "Of course, Light. Cuddling is all I need."

* * *

**Next chapter or two we'll skip ahead in time so we can get back to the angst. Fluff really isn't my thing. Xx Especially considering the sadistic state of mind I find myself in at the moment, after watching **_**Sweeney Todd.**_

**Anyhow, next chapter coming eventually. Hope you like it so far. This writing is more detailed than my usual style. I guess my Muse feels like showing off. **


	3. Betrayal

**Here comes the angsty part, methinks.**

**And thanks to you all for your reviews. I'm glad to hear that you like my writing.**

* * *

A harsh cough escapes my parted lips as I land hard on the floor, my ears ringing from the hefty punch Light had landed on the side of my head. I scramble upright, almost managing to dig my knee in Light's groin before he skips away.

"Woah now!" Matsuda says, rushing up to us. A few of the others follow suit, getting between me and Light. I rub my cheek, wincing slightly. He meant that one.

Our arguments are only to be expected. Considering how similar we are, the differences between us are highlighted and can easily become a sore spot. Even though intellectually I always expected a few spats, I still can't help the twinge in my heart when we start arguing or exchanging blows. Then again, if we didn't have these brief disagreements, I might worry a bit. They're usually brief, since the others come in before we can do too much damage, and afterwards we're less tense.

Today was a bad one, though. I may end up with a rather attractive shade of purple on the side of my face, and I think one of Light's teeth is chipped. He's still glaring irritably at me, though I can tell he's calming down. His shirt is slightly open from when I grabbed him by the collar, and I can see the nasty welts on his chest from the other night. _I hope I didn't hurt him too badly… it's a good thing I never let my fingernails grow out._

"Just calm down, you two." Soichiro says, giving both of us a stern look. When he notices the marks on Light's chest, I see him pause to scrutinize his son for a moment. _Uh-oh._ The moment passes, though, and we get back to work after a brief lecture by Soichiro and Matsuda.

When the rest of the team calls it a night, they usually drift off in ones and twos. This time was no different, though Soichiro hangs back. He's usually one of the first to leave, so when I look around and see only him left, I almost wince.

"Can I ask you two something?" Soichiro says, standing and facing us with a stern expression knitting his brows.

Light looks as wary as I feel as he nods. Soichiro lifts a hand, pointing accusingly at Light. "Those marks I saw on your chest, last time I checked, usually don't come from fist-fights."

_Here it comes._ I look over at Light, who averts his face from his father. He is blushing deeply. _That's as much of a confession as telling him,_ I think, trying not to smile at Light's embarrassment.

"Though I think I know the answer, I'll still ask what you two have been doing." Soichiro's face looks stern, though not the forbidding scowl I half expected.

"You already know the answer, Dad." Light said, frowning slightly. "So why ask?"

Soichiro suddenly sighs heavily, sinking into a chair. "Well, I guess what I should ask is why you haven't told me."

Light looks awkward, and I can tell he's having trouble thinking of what to say to his father. Feeling sorry for him, I clear my throat and try to help him out. "We haven't been together long, Yagami-san. I think Light was waiting to make sure that this wouldn't be just a spur-of-the-moment thing." I look over at Light, who smiles gratefully at me as he nods in agreement.

Another sigh, this one more resigned. "Well, all right." He looks up at Light. "Just, tell me next time? This is a rather abrupt way for me to find out that my son has a boyfriend…"

"So… you aren't mad or anything?" Light says warily.

Soichiro snorts slightly. "I started out being rather irritated, but I remind myself that you can't help being what you are, and since you two have been chained together…"

This time it's my turn to stifle a wince. Light notices the slight movement and chuckles. "Yeah… sorry you had to find out this way, Dad. But really we haven't done all _that_ much."

At Soichiro's quirked eyebrow I smile disarmingly. "He's too shy, really."

Light frowns slightly at me. "_I'm_ too shy?"

Soichiro holds up a hand. He's smiling, albeit reluctantly. "All right, I get the point." He stands with a muted grunt, reaching for his coat. "Well, now that I have my answers, I'll give you two your privacy."

As the door closes behind him, Light turns to me with a heavy sigh of relief. I roll my chair up next to his, reaching around to encircle his shoulders in an affectionate embrace. "You were worried that he wouldn't approve?" I say softly.

"Yeah." He replies. "I was so afraid that if he found out he'd flip."

"I'm surprised that he didn't flip when he figured out where that came from," I say, poking Light's chest.

Light quirks an eyebrow in mild amusement at me. "Well, that's just a warning for the future: don't try to claw me to pieces!"

* * *

_Something tells me that these next few days are going to be rough._ We've just gotten back from the Higuchi capture, and if the new creature that followed us back is any sort of sign, I don't think I'm looking forward to the next week or so.

Glancing over at Light, I feel a bit of apprehension creeping up on me. His eyes are back the way they were before I put him in confinement. They are dark and opaque, and his whole face looks older and suspicious. He is still attractive, but with none of the innocence that made him so adorable. He looks much more adult now than before, when he still had the look of a teenager about him.

His manner is different now, too. Even though it hasn't been long since I noticed this change, the differences are obvious. I can't quite put my finger on it or describe it in any way that makes sense, but they're there.

My suspicion of Light being Kira, though ever-present, had faded significantly since I had him chained. It wasn't that my feelings for him did it; the first day or two I was on my guard to make sure he wasn't getting close just so he could pounce. My gut instincts, which were unclouded and unmolested by the beast inside me, said that during that time his chances of being Kira decreased.

But now, that same gut feeling is telling me that the chance has risen again. Back to its former level, or even a bit higher. Don't ask me how. My instincts, I learned long ago, are usually right so I follow them religiously. When they speak, I listen. They are often smarter than I.

But when my instincts warn me about Light, my heart twinges. I do not want my friend and lover to be Kira. My own sense of justice would not permit me to let Kira live, even if Kira happens to be the person who has captured and caged my heart.

The possibility of Light being Kira increasing makes my spirits plummet, and the beast called love start to growl once more. It has only tightened its hold on my poor heart, though its embrace is so sweet I can hardly believe it sometimes. If Light really is Kira, this creature will crush my heart once and for all. I do not want that to happen.

The chain falls from my wrist, its loud rattling taunting my ears. I realize with another painful twinge that even thought Light may chose to live in this building, I will no longer have him within reach like I have these past few days. I study his expression as the handcuff comes off his wrist; he keeps his face studiously impassive, though I do notice a glimmer in his eye behind the mask.

Later, as the others call it a day and head home, Light is the last to leave. He puts a hand on my shoulder gently from behind. I can feel him gently squeeze my shoulder as he speaks, his voice soft.

"I'm taking over one of the unused suites on this floor, Ryuzaki. Like I said before, I'll hang around and help with the investigation."

I nod, still looking at the computer screen. I know it seems rather childish, but I am unable to meet his gaze, changed as it is. "Yes, I understand." I put a hand over his. "Even though you'll only be a few rooms away, I will miss your company, Light."

His lips rest briefly on my cheek. "Me too, Ryuzaki. I wish I could stay with you, but the others would be suspicious if I didn't get my own rooms."

Even though his father knows, none of the others do. We decided that discretion might be better. If the others were aware that Light and I were in a relationship, things would likely get awkward, so it's best that they not know.

"Yes, but that just means that you'll have to come early in the mornings and stay later at night." I say, glancing up to smile slightly. "Even if I can't have you all night long I won't let this get in the way of a few moments with just the two of us."

He wraps an arm around my chest, lightly kissing the corner of my mouth. "Of course. I was just about to suggest the same thing."

I swivel the chair around to properly face him, and for one quiet moment we simply hold each other. Light pulls his head back with a soft peck on my cheek, and stands to leave. "Well, good night, Ryuzaki."

"Good night."

* * *

When Misa was released, the killings started almost immediately. If it hadn't been for those rules we found in the back of the notebook, I would have immediately had her pulled back in to confinement. Everything fits, uncannily, but for the thirteen-day rule. I dared not test it, though I wanted to. Even if some of the others might have been inclined to disbelieve my reassurances that I wouldn't test it, I'm not. I wanted to. Badly. We obviously know that the rules up front are real, but the two in the back constantly nag at me. Even the fact that they were put on the back seems odd, but maybe it's just my suspicion.

The other members of the task force are unaware, but I've had Wedy install surveillance cameras and bugs in Misa's living quarters. I just can't let go of my suspicion; if she's really innocent the cameras and bugs will turn up nothing and I will be forced to concede. But, if the equipment does turn something up…

_I sincerely hope they don't._ If the cameras and bugs turn up evidence to support that Misa is the second Kira, it will mean that the chances of Light being Kira will skyrocket.

Once everyone, including Light, has gone off to their separate quarters, Watari contacts me. He pulls up the feed from the cameras, and with an uneasy heart I review them. The news is not good.

The cameras caught Misa with the television turned to the news and the computer on one of the sites that is filled with nothing but criminal information, scratching names onto pieces of notebook paper. The bugs even recorded Misa talking to a "Ryuk," whom I can only assume is the shinigami attached to her notebook.

* * *

Once everyone is assembled the next day, I turn to the shinigami Rem who is always skulking about somewhere in the room. "Rem-san, are you aware of the existence of another shinigami called Ryuk?"

Though her face is hard to read, I can just barely tell that her expression is one of shock. This tells me more than her semi-coherent answer. Out of the corner of my eye, I look at Light. His face is completely blank. His expression is a stony mask, which like Rem's expression tells me all I need to know.

"What's all this about, Ryuzaki?" Matsuda asks, obviously perplexed.

I sigh heavily, turning to tap a few keys on the keyboard. "I'm sorry for not telling all of you, but I had Wedy wire and bug Amane's residence. I wanted to see if she really was innocent. Since the killings started up just the day after she was released, and all of you know how stubborn I am with my theories, I couldn't leave it at that. Watari sent me the feed, and this is what the cameras and bugs captured." I pull up the feed so that the others can watch.

Keeping a close eye on Light throughout, I notice that he keeps his face set in the same stony mask. My heart cries out, because now I am almost certain that he is Kira. Light is very good at masking his expression, but I have become adept enough at reading him that I can see through it. Light is seriously pissed, which can only mean one thing.

_He is Kira, and he is pissed that his accomplice has been caught._ As the part of the feed that interests me passes I cut it off and turn to the others. "So there you have it. Misa Amane is the second Kira. I would like for her to be taken into custody immediately and brought back here to question."

The others look indignant, one or two of them muttering darkly about my methods, but none of them can deny the truth. Soichiro glances at me, then to Light. "So, does this mean that Light is back under suspicion?"

I nod sadly. "Yes, unfortunately. The actions caught by the cameras clearly indicate that Amane is the second Kira, even though she has been in confinement for over a month. Therefore, the thirteen-day rule in the back of that notebook is false. Believe me when I say that I would prefer that Light not have to go through this again, but I would like to put him back under surveillance as well."

The others look resigned. Soichiro remains collected, though I can tell that he is very agitated by the news. I feel rather sorry for him; his son being under suspicion must be very hard. I glance at Light, whose expression has not changed much. He has one elbow propped up on the arm of his chair and it staring broodily at the blank screen that had displayed the camera feed, chin cupped in his hand with a hank of his auburn bangs obscuring his eyes.

He notices my eyes on him and looks at me, his face still expressionless. I can see behind the opaque mask that there are conflicting emotions warring in his mind. I can see anger, of course. And hatred. But also, betrayal and hurt. I am confused for a moment, until Light shifts, sitting up so he can speak. "All right, Ryuzaki. Since it looks like this is the only way you'll ever let up your suspicion."

That second night, once both of us were worn out and were simply lying in bed side-by-side, we talked. Light had been upset that I still suspected him, even if it wasn't as much. I tried to convince him that I didn't want to be suspicious either, but I'm not sure he completely believed me.

Now, though, I'm afraid that that will be one of the many things that will slowly drive a wedge between us, while it drives a knife ever deeper into my heart. Trust is labor-intensive; building it up takes a lot of effort and time, but the slightest thing can shatter it like so much glass. Deep in my gut trust in Light had been slowly building up, but now I'm afraid it's gone. And I can tell that Light's trust in me has suffered as well.

From the time I met him to when I first realized that he was my friend, and even after that until I realized that my feelings went beyond "friend," something in me seemed to turn my suspicion of Light into a conviction that he was Kira. For a long time, I was sure enough that in a way I wanted him to be Kira. But, once the beast called love invaded my heart, this changed. I still had that suspicion, but I dreaded getting any evidence that added to the suspicion.

And yet, here before me is some of the strongest evidence so far that Light, my friend and love, is the man who has been committing these atrocious acts and whom I swore to bring to justice. _Do I have it in me to do that?_

* * *

Light turns to look at me once the others have left for the day. The handcuffs are back on, and Light rattles it noisily to get my attention. "Hey, Ryuzaki."

I look up from my computer. "Yes, Light?"

He looks away, and I see once more the conflicting emotions in his eyes. Now, though, he doesn't bother as much to hide them. "You really do suspect me, seriously, of being Kira." He says, just a flat statement.

I look dejectedly at my hands folded across my knees. "Unfortunately, Light, I do. Don't think that it's something that makes me very happy, given how I feel about you. I really do love you, Light." I glance up at him, a plaintive hint in my tone. "I don't want you to be Kira. Truly. I would give anything to leave all this mess behind and be with you."

Light stays silent, and I can tell by the blank expression on his face that inwardly he is in turmoil. I wish I could just take him in my arms and make it all go away, but wishes are only that.

We sit in silence for a few more moments, until I can't stand it any longer. I slip out of my chair, gently tugging at the chain that connects us. "I think we should both go to bed. It's been a stressful day."

* * *

**We're coming to the end, as you can tell. Probably only one more chapter, but with my spazzy Muse you never know.**


	4. Heartache

**Bwahaharr, time for angst to the max and a tragic ending. This is what I wish would've happened, more or less, when I got to the part of the series where L died. If you're as unhappy about it as I am, perhaps you'll enjoy this.**

**Warning: L's name spoiler!**

**By the way, writing this angsty stuff after reading lemons is hard. Xx And sorry getting this up took so long, people seem to think that I have a life.**

* * *

Misa Amane's execution was longer in coming than I had originally hoped. Not because I wanted her dead, but because the longer it was put off the longer we all had to suffer.

And the execution wasn't really an execution, unfortunately. A few days before the date had been set, early January of 2005, she was found dead. The autopsy's conclusion was almost unneeded; I immediately knew that someone with a notebook had done it even before the results came back as "cardiac arrest, cause unknown."

The trial had taken far too long for my liking. At first I had tried to convince the other task-force members to skip the trial and carry out the execution in secret. We're putting responsibility for an absurd number of deaths in the hands of a twenty-one year old female model; our proof being surveillance tapes that show her writing down names and talking to herself. The others were adamant, though, and I was forced to concede. They did agree that the shorter we make the trial the better, but they were fixated on going through the proper procedure. The government had been frowning upon the investigation since Yotsuba applied its pressure, though; one more reason to avoid getting involved, in my opinion.

Even so, all that arguing was eventually rendered moot. I sigh in resignation, absently holding a sugar cube between my teeth. Now the second Kira is out of the way, and with the killings having predictably stopped when she was arrested, there is the question of the original Kira.

The fact is pretty much understood between Light and I that I know that he is Kira, and he is well aware that I know. And yet, we remain doing pretty much nothing but trying to look like we're doing something. The others still have to be convinced of this fact that I have already (intellectually at least) accepted, and now that Misa has been dead for over a week with no activity from Kira forthcoming, the conclusion is inevitable.

By now, I feel nothing but a dull, persistent ache. The first two or three days the beast had been slowly crushing my heart in its grasp, reducing it to tiny fragments. My metaphorical lifeblood seeped from these fragments; they wept bitter red tears as I slowly internalized the cruel truth, until they could bleed no more. Now truly, I am hollow. The fragments, bone dry and fragile, have crumbled to dust and blown away; leaving the beast called love to prowl the inner chambers of my being, its growls and snarls ringing eerily from the stark walls.

Never before have I experienced this void. The walls had previously kept emotion at bay, but since this lack was by choice it didn't hurt. The walls had kept out the hurt. Since the beast called love took down my walls as easily as I destroy the towers of sugar cubes I build, I was left wide open and vulnerable. Light had been there to help me cope, though. His warm embrace enveloping me drove away the fear, the sadness, the loneliness and the pain, and I could adapt to living without those thick, reassuring walls.

Once we captured Higuchi and the old look returned to Light's handsome features, he became more distant. I can tell he still has feelings for me – his eyes, opaque as they are, still gleam when they meet my gaze. But he has withdrawn for some reason. His touches aren't as gentle and loving, nor as frequent, as they were before.

This fact added onto the turmoil of realizing that the one whom I swore to send to justice was one in the same with the one who has captivated me, completing me as I never realized anyone could, only makes it worse.

This past week has been like a flashback of the day leading up to Light and I finding each other, except that it is infinitely worse. Then, I hadn't an earthly clue what I was being denied. But now, I've tasted this sweet love. The beast has showed me its softer side, showed me just how wonderful love really is. And now, the realization has come crashing down on me that this euphoric experience is to be cut short, and it must be done by my hand.

It cannot be done by anyone but me, in fact. It is too late to deny it, and even if that option was open I don't know if I would be able to turn a blind eye. So, since it has to be done one way or another, I must shoulder this painful task. Even if something has driven a wedge between us, Light is still mine and I owe it to him. Backing out now and letting one of the others take over would not only be cowardice of the highest degree, but it would be unfair to Light. I'm the one who has put him in this position, so it's only right that I follow through.

* * *

Light and I crawl into bed, both of us silent. I adopt my usual pose, taking sparse comfort from the familiar way my body folds up, placing my knees between the world and my aching heart. My thumb is pressed against my lower lip as I gaze blankly at the sheets, my mind wandering aimlessly as I try to keep from dwelling on the pain that has haunted me.

"L Lawliet." Light's voice as he says my name has no inflection whatsoever; just a bland drawl as if he was addressing me by the alias the others use.

I stiffen, the hair on the nape of my neck lifting. Shock completely paralyzes my body, until a flood of fear, apprehension, and no little bewilderment soon breaks its grip. I slowly turn my head to look at Light, my dark eyes wide. "H-how…?"

Lamplight catches his eyes, causing them to flash eerily. His gaze is pinned on me; so intense that I feel as if he is looking right into my soul. He might well be, if he discovered my name. "You remember Higuchi mentioning the eye trade?" Light says, his voice soft.

I nod mutely, trapped by Light's penetrating stare.

"You trade half your lifespan for a shinigami's ability to see a person's name and lifespan by looking at their face. Only ones who own a notebook can make this trade." He explains in the same tone, like the soft warning hiss of a venomous serpent.

I look over at Rem, who is standing in the corner like always. She nods, affirming Light's statement. "So, you have enough information to kill me, providing you have the notebook and something to write with," I say slowly, forcing myself to speak.

"I only need a piece, really. It's how I killed Higuchi and got ownership of the notebook transferred back to me." He says, picking up his watch from the bedside table. I see him pull back one of the knobs four times, and blink in surprise as part slides out and a scrap of paper is revealed, the name Kyosuke Higuchi scratched onto it in what I can only assume is blood.

I take a shaky breath, folding my hands across my knees and pressing them down to keep them from trembling. "All right, so why are you showing me this?"

Light pulls the scrap of death note from the mechanism, wadding it up and tossing it haphazardly away. "Why the hell not, I figure. I'm going to die soon anyway, if not from a lethal injection then from Ryuk or my life naturally coming to an end."

I don't bother asking why he mentioned the shinigami who was attached to Misa's notebook, still staring at him blankly as my mind tries to assimilate what just happened.

Light looks into my blank face, blinking once with an opaque expression before he puts his watch back on the table, turning over to switch the light off. The rustling of sheets falls on deaf ears; I remain unmoving long after Light's breathing slows and deepens, indicating that he is asleep.

* * *

The next day, I decide that we've put up with the torture for long enough. This has to end, for Light's sake and for mine. This case has been more of a drain on me than any other has, and though I know its conclusion will be painful the final curtain needs to fall.

I gain the attention of the rest of the task force, my arms wrapping around my shins for comfort as I begin. "I think that by now we've waited long enough. It's been over a week with no activity."

Soichiro's expression is stony, and I can clearly see the pang of guilt and resignation, among other similar emotions, dancing in his eyes. I feel rather sorry for him; seeing the very strong evidence right in front of his eyes, having drawn his own conclusion, that his son is a mass-murderer must be very difficult. The others look uncomfortable, but not nearly to the former police chief's extent. Even so, they are forced to agree.

Attached to me slouching in another swivel-chair, I can feel Light's gaze on my hunched form. He has one elbow propped on the arm of the chair and has his chin cupped in his hand, a screen of auburn bangs shading his face. His angry glare makes the hair on the nape of my neck stand upright. Kira, my enemy since the very beginning and one of the few people who knows my real name, is glaring daggers at me. It's a very uncomfortable sensation, made more so by the fact that Kira is glaring at me through the eyes of my lover.

"I wish I didn't have to do this," I continue morosely, my fingers digging into my shins as I hunch further over, "but since the evidence points conclusively to him, we must arrest and try Light Yagami as Kira. After this the case will be closed. I thank you all for sticking with me through the investigation, and I apologize to everyone for all the inconveniences." Inconveniences my arse. This case has been stressful for everyone, some more than others.

Soichiro turns to Light, and even before he begins speaking I know what he will say. "Light, what do you have to say about this? You've been very quiet,"

"And glaring at me," I put in softly, still trying not to cringe from the look Light has had pinned on me.

Light exhales heavily, straightening up in his chair. He tilts his head back in a rather arrogant manner, his calculating gaze sweeping the room. Each of the investigators is frozen in place by this intimidating stare. Who wouldn't, when Kira is giving you the glare of death? "Really, I'm rather disappointed. It seems that I really overestimated all of you." His lip curled in a sneer. "Pathetic. Though I can't really say I'm surprised. None of you bright sparks has any creativity or initiative. The only reason Kira has come as far as he has is because of all the hard work I've put into it, and was there anyone to give me a proper challenge?" He turns his scathing glare back to me. "This fool came close, just close enough that a shot in the dark saved his sorry ass from cardiac arrest."

The looks on the others' faces ranges from fear to fascination, and in Soichiro's case utter desperation. "Why thank you, Light. That's as close to a blunt confession as I think we'll get from you." I say mildly, though my bland voice belies the turmoil within. The insults in his semi-monologue I simply shrug off, but the thinly-veiled threat at the end nearly made me shudder. And coming from the lips that I once kissed, his words are like needles piercing what I once believed had turned to dust.

Abruptly, Light stiffens. I turn my head to fully face him, my eyes widening in surprise. His face contorts as a strangles gurgle escapes his lips. My mind immediately registers what's happening even before his body suddenly goes limp and he slips from the chair.

I lurch from my chair, almost falling out of it in my haste to reach Light's side. My fingers go to the right side of his throat just below the jaw; his pulse is weak and erratic, until it finally gives out. A twitch or two and Light's body stills for good, his eyes rolled back eerily in his head.

A small noise forces its way from my throat. My hands tremble as I reach out to close Light's eyelids, biting my lip to keep from crying out. A muffled _thump_ just barely registers, though I have enough presence of mind to back up as Soichiro collapses onto his knees, scrabbling forward to reach his son.

"No, no no no, no!" His strained voice, cracked and ragged, is muted to my ears. I am barely aware of anything else around me, besides the dim realization that everyone else is panicking. I don't even bother to tell them that they have nothing to fear. Don't ask why I know this, but some gut feeling tells me that whoever did this isn't going to attack any of the rest of us.

By now, my mind is void of coherent, articulate thought. I am only aware of the sobs clawing at my chest, fighting to escape my constricted throat. I clench my teeth until they hurt, my eyes shut as tightly as possible as I fight back the sobs that threaten to shake my body to pieces. I am already trembling in the effort to keep silent, my fingers digging painfully into my legs which are hugged tight to my chest. The world around me fades away and the universe narrows, pressing in all around me before its bottom falls out and it collapses around me. The pain I felt before is nothing compared to this, the loss of my Light.

Granted I was sending him off to the same fate, but this caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting it, and I had no way to control it. Not to mention, a heart attack is one of the more uncomfortable ways to die. Doubtless I would have experienced something like this no matter how he died, but if it was by execution it would've been more peaceful, and I would've been able to at least try to shield myself.

Soon I am forced to breathe; my ragged breath as I exhale is accompanied by the edge of a sob that almost slipped through. I long to let them go, to release my grief, but this isn't the time or place to do so. And I'm not sure if I'd let myself give full vent to my sorrow.

"What did you do?!" I hear Soichiro hiss, and the edge of my brain that's paying attention identifies Rem as the one at which the demand was aimed.

'_**I didn't do anything,'**_ She says, spreading her arms to display the obvious lack of a death note or writing utensil.

"Then who did this?!" Soichiro's voice is approaching the level of hysteria that warns of what he might resort to doing.

_**'Not a human, I don't think.'**_ Rem says warily.

A few of the others step toward Soichiro, and once I see that he probably won't be able to do anything my mind retreats back into its little collapsed universe. Or rather, it is pulled back by the snarling creature that used to reside there and is unhappy about the sudden destruction.

* * *

For several months after that, long after the others drift off back to their normal lives, I am like a living cadaver. The lights are on, dimly, but no one is home. My dark eyes, when I gaze in the mirror, lack even the dull luster they once contained; now they look completely lifeless. My eyes match my emotional state, I guess. I had thought, just before it happened, that I was hollow. That's the story of my life now: I think I've hit rock bottom, but it turns out there's a whole new low waiting to take me into its yawning maw.

My lifeless eyes peer back at me from the mirror, and I stare blankly into them. Lifeless I look, and lifeless I feel. What life is there to live anymore? The one person who came close to my level intellectually, even surpassed me; my greatest enemy and my closest friend; the biggest pain in my life and the one who made that life worth living; the one who in so short a time captured my heart and caged it, claiming it for himself forever, is gone. Gone, never to return.

I can't articulate what I feel, because there is nothing. A void, the utter lack of any emotion. The pain is gone, and in its place emptiness. It hadn't been all that empty before, since I had the walls up to take up that space. My walls have been gone since they were first broken, and yet the utter vacuum I am now is so much emptier than the one I created for myself. Stretching on forever in every direction, open to the world, and nothing is there.

This beast called love is a cruel creature. Its bitter pill is coated with an unbelievably sweet cover, and its embrace is misleading. Once the coating is gone, you realize the magnitude of your mistake, but it's far too late. And still this beast prowls the void, its growls lost in the endless vacuum. Occasionally it will lead a flicker of its favorite accomplice, pain, into the void to remind me of its presence. But the void eagerly pulls the pain into its endless tracts, and I return to the bleak gray.

Thinking about all the love stories in the world, I wonder how the authors managed to write such tales. The beast called love is such a devious monster, how can they speak about it as if it was something desirable? Though, the sweet euphoria that I experienced during that brief shining time, I think anyone would be motivated to try and recapture that in writing. But it just wouldn't be the same; a shallow reproduction that only serves to remind of what was lost, pulling up the memory from its vault and dangling it tauntingly before your nose.

My mind wanders back down the path well-worn of late; I trace my memories back to the day it first started, and watch those days like one would an old historical documentary. When I get to that first night when Light was truly all mine, the beast called love hisses loudly, setting up an unholy ruckus in the empty corridors of my being. The commotion stirs up the dust and summons the little flickering shadows of pain from the void; they cluster around the beast like tiny demons, nipping away at my shattered soul. Tears roll unchecked from the corners of my eyes, down my pale cheeks and they fall into space. The tears splash on the nearest horizontal surface, broken into a million glittering pieces much like my heart did that day.

I try to stop the documentary before it gets to the final moments; I can't bring myself to watch it again. They are burned into my memory, crystal clear and much sharper than the other memories, I try to keep them buried. They flash unbidden before my mind's eye no matter what I do, unstoppable once I conjure up the reel of memories. As I relive the final moments, seeing his eyes roll back in his head and hearing his final rattling breath, it becomes too much. I crouch down and hug my knees to my chest, biting my lip until it bleeds as the beast pushes all its weight against my diaphragm. More salty tears leak from the corners of my eyes, leaving dark trails down my face before they drip from my chin and nose.

_How? Why? Who?_ Only these thoughts bumble through my mind, reeling and staggering like drunkards through the empty avenues. They will never be answered, just as this gaping hole in my soul, in my very being, will never be repaired.

* * *

**So what did happen?**

* * *

_Unseen by the investigators, Ryuk stepped into the room through one wall. Rem noticed him and blinked in confusion, wondering what he was doing there. Seeing her confusion, Ryuk's fixed grin widened as he chuckled._

'_**Hyuk hyuk, wondering why I'm here?'**__He said, glancing over at Light. The young man was too preoccupied ranting to notice the extra looming figure in the shadowed corner._

'_**You probably noticed that Light's lifepspan is almost gone.'**__ The other shinigami began, pointing at the numbers that both of them could see floating above the auburn head of hair. __**'And I told him that I'd be the one to kill him.'**_

'_**That was when you were the one possessing him,'**__ Rem said, keeping her voice quiet so as not to draw the humans' attention._

'_**So? That brat made me stoop to some pretty pathetic things.'**__ Ryuk said, remembering several occasions like when he searched Light's whole room for the cameras. __**'And since it looks like you're too much of a coward to carry out the threat of killing him if something happened to Misa,'**__ Ryuk continued with a mocking chuckle, __**'it falls to me. Besides, killing a self-styled god is something to brag about, even if he's only a human.'**_

* * *

**Yay tragic ending. I feel really sorry for L, but fluff doesn't come naturally to yours truly. A lot of L's reaction at the very end is sort of autobiographical, since the other day we had to put my dog down who was almost as old as I am, so this was also a way to vent.**

**Hope you enjoyed, and don't expect too much more of the multiple-chaptered stuff from me.**


End file.
